Stop Invalidating Yourself
Why ignoring our emotions gets us nowhere
"It's no big deal."
"I'll get over it."
"I really can't complain."
"Other people have it so much worse than me."
When we're experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, our mind goes through the following cycle. We feel the emotion. We ignore how we're feeling. We shouldn't feel sad. We shouldn't be having these feelings in the first place. So many other people have it worse than I do. Why am I such a crybaby? I should move on.
And when we can't move on, we blame ourselves. What's wrong with us? Why can't we just get over it? We call ourselves weak. We berate ourselves for getting stuck on something small that doesn't matter. But the criticism doesn't make the original feeling goes away. It just exacerbates it. We add insult to injury. We end in a worse place than when we started.
The cycle of invalidation doesn't make your uncomfortable emotions go away. It makes them stronger.
That's for good reason. Our emotions are messengers. Imagine a smoke alarm going off. How do you react? You investigate the source of the alarm. What set it off? Sometimes it's a false alarm. But maybe the pot roast in the oven is starting to smoke. Maybe the grease on the skillet caught fire. There's a reason the alarm is going off, and you need to figure it out.
Our emotions do the same thing. They give us important information. My first conference during grad school every student in my research lab submitted a presentation. Mine was the only one to be rejected. I felt the pangs of embarrassment, rejection, and inadequacy. I was quick to shove these feelings down. It's just one conference, it's not a big deal. Get over it.
Shoving the feelings down didn't make them go away. Grad school was a challenging time in my life. I had no roadmap for how to deal with these difficult emotions. Training to be a therapist but with little emotional awareness. I wish I could go back and give that 24-year-old a hug. And let her know these feelings don't need to be ignored.
They were trying to send an important message. I worked hard to get into graduate school and I wanted to do well. I valued building a strong relationship with my peers. My first opportunity to bond at a conference disappeared, and I was disappointed.
Our emotions alert us to our values. When we are upset about something, it's because that thing is important to us. You feel rejected when your friends don't invite you to lunch. How come that bothers you? Maybe it's because you really value friendship. Perhaps relationships are an important value for you. If you didn't care about these friendships, you wouldn't be bothered by the lack of invitation. It's easy to ignore the uncomfortable emotions because they’re difficult to feel. But they're important.
When we reject our emotions, we reject our ourselves.
We’re quick to dismiss our feelings. We call ourselves weak or childish for having an uncomfortable emotion. When I shoved down my emotions in grad school, I invalidated myself. I couldn't control my initial emotion. We all have immediate emotions. We don't have control over them (we have control of our secondary reaction, but more on that later). They're a part of us and they come regardless of whether we want them. When we call our emotions bad, we call ourselves bad.
With a little curiosity, this could have been a learning experience. I could have explored why this bothered me, with a gentle inner voice. I would have found values of education and friendship. I would have recognized the normal human need for acceptance and belonging. I could have left the experience with a greater understanding and sense of compassion for myself.
I didn't have a big blow up. I didn't melt down. No one commented on my reaction being ridiculous or out of control. Instead, I shoved down my emotions. I'm fine, nothing to see here. Reminding myself that my emotions were wrong. I was wrong. I suffered the moment in silence. Nothing happened in the moment, but over time that pattern started to take its toll. And soon, there wasn't enough room to keep shoving the emotions down. The panic attacks started and I decided to go to therapy.
As a therapist in training, I knew therapy wasn't magic. But when I went to my first therapist, I expected magic. How could she possibly fix this defect? It turns out the solution wasn’t so complicated. Most of it was normalizing my reaction. Assuring me it was okay to feel, however I felt. Learning to calm my body and soothe my emotions. I could experience them, but they didn’t have to overtake me. Shortly after, the panic attacks subsided.
These emotions I had worked so hard to ignore were a part of me. I couldn’t get rid of them any more than I could grow another 5 inches. I had two options. Continue fighting against the current of emotions. Continue the cycle of invalidation and panic attacks. Or learn to embrace them. Invite them in as unexpected visitors (thanks Rumi).
When I chose the path of embracing these emotions, something magical happened. They lost their power. I could feel them without being consumed by them. I had been fighting against a current for most of my life. Drowning in emotions. It didn’t need to be that way. I needed to embrace my emotions. To swim with the current.
Life is still full of uncomfortable emotions. There is struggling, pain, and grief. But I’m no longer drowning. I can experience them with a sense of inner compassion. An understanding that I’m a deeply feeling human experiencing struggle. This simple knowing keeps me afloat. If you’re drowning in the tide of emotions, I hope you’ll find the courage to experience them with me.